I have been wondering what the deal is with me and my wacked-out emotions lately. I've had at least a week of gut wrenching depression, and two days of mania. I finally decided just to go with it, and enjoy the ride as best as I could. That seemed to work. It's hard enough to be nuts without the judgement that goes along with it.

One plausable explanation I hadn't thought of before, might just be my new weight-loss program. By the way, I've dropped nearly 7 pounds since January 3rd. This without the benefit of exercise.. God I'm lazy.

I've always had an interesting relationship with food. For most of my life, I was thin. "Tight little bod" was the usual comment. Of course, there were those extremely skinny years - during my brief but shining career as a speed freak.

Then, I got married.

They say that during the first year of marriage, the couple tends to gain a little weight. Maybe it's the home-cooking. Maybe it's the familiarity - no longer needing to impress... I don't know. But, I started eating and blossoming right away. Three months later, I was preggers and eating for two. Very Bad Idea.

Of course, I lost the post baby fat (took about three years), but ever since that time, I've been up and down the scale like a yo-yo.

My weight gain/loss has always been tied to my emotions. During the marriage, I was in such pain, and I was so angry with my husband, I ate, both as a salve for me, and a punishment for him. A few years before we divorced, I fell into a mad lust with the VP of Engineering at the company I worked for. He was probably 50. Short. From a foreign land. Sexy as hell. Married too. We started an amazingly heavy flirtation. It went on all day long. He, taking the extra long way around the office, just to be able to pass my desk - and receive the smoldering gaze I would give him. Me, busily passing out documents here and there, scheming to run into him in the hallway, so he could undress me with his eyes. This went on for months. I forgot all about food. I was posessed by my lust. All good things do come to an end, as our flirtation did. He took a position across the country. Before he left, we said goodbye. He held me for a bit too long. As he opened the door, he turned and said, "You're beautiful".

The husband didn't even notice I was thin. He never saw me naked. Had no interest whatsoever in me, or anything I had to offer.

It took about a year for me to pork back up....

During the last couple of months of the marriage, I met the man who would be my downfall. (or the best thing that ever happened to me - take your pick). I was fat. He thought I was beautiful anyway. We had hot, hot sex. All over town. Outside in parks, inside cars, sleazy motel rooms.... Before you knew it, I was a twig again.

After the divorce, and after that lover stole my car to buy crack with - I stayed thin for a couple of years. The weight was easy to maintain for some reason. Mostly because I was finally happy with myself. I was not at that time anyway, involved with any of the a-hole men I was so good at choosing.

Then, I met HIM. Well, I already knew HIM. I had known, and pretty much dislike HIM for years. However, I was powerfully horny. I let him take me out a few times, and I molested him on the fourth date. He was an excellent fuck, so I kept coming back for more. I have to wonder now, what I was thinking. He had no friends. His ex-wife had taken the kids and the furniture one day while he was at work,and left him a note warning him not to try and find them... His former girlfriend refered to him as "abusive"... Yeah. He was a professional all right. He hurt me in ways I can't even begin to describe, because in the re-telling, it makes absolutely no sense. I started eating again during the last six months of that nightmare...

In the 2 years since that time, I lost 20 pounds, but gained 30....

Here in the LA area, we have a different standard for what is fat and what is not. If I lived in some place like Wisconsin for example, I would no doubt be considered a petite flower. However, here, where I live, I'm a bit FAT....

I guess the bottom line to this whole entry, is my current craziness seems to be tied in with over-eating/non-over-eating, and the over-eating/non-over-eating seems to be tied into my hurt feelings. If I don't have something to distract myself (Usually lusting after a man has been helpful. However, these days, I'm a bit short in that department) the not over-eating becomes painful because I have to feel all those feelings.

Boo Hoo. Poor Me.

I've decided what I really need in this life is to get laid. In order to accomplsh that, I need to get thin.

Expect emotional entries in the near future.....

SLAY ON BUFFY!!

January 20, 2002

Be Afraid, People.... Really Afraid
September 01, 2008

One Last Bitchfest for the Road
August 24, 2008

Get the Popcorn Ready
July 17, 2008

I'm a Rich Ho-Bag
June 20, 2008