It all started at 4:30 this morning. 4:30 seems to be the time I wake up during stressful events. It's not that I mind waking up at 4:30, it's just that I can't go back to sleep. And after a while, with my head running over the same annoying thoughts and images, I notice my body is so tense, my shoulder is completely off the pillow. I can't get back to sleep.

4:30 this morning, I'm wide awake and twitching. I have a cat's tail in my nose, because he's sleeping on the pillow too. Another cat is trying to get me to pet her. Threw her ass off the bed...

I hear rain outside the window. Shit. I have to walk the dog in the rain! Mental Health Day!!! I get to sleep again, by reminding myself I'm having a mental breakdown, and I can be in a semi-catatonic state - like I was yesterday, on a rainy day. Zzzzzzzzzz...

Of course, I wake up again at 7:30 - with a start, because one of my customers needs something by noon, Atlanta time. I frantically think of somebody's extension number so I can get the information read to me, and then go into my office email from home - copy the file - fill in the info, and email it back to them, with a copy to the Chicago office... Got it! Done.

Until I check my voice mail. My boss wants me to do a spec sheet for another customer, and send her samples for photography this morning. They're finalizing a catalog page and need this ASAP. Stupid customers. Don't they realize that some of us need mental breakdown days???????

So, I called my boss in Michigan and told him I'd be in for a few minutes to send the spec sheet and samples. I rawk. The rest of the day is mine to recover my sanity as best as I can.

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For the majority of yesterday, I lay on the sofa recouperating from my deep tissue massage. It's not like everything hurt. Just a couple of spots. But I felt like I'd been rode hard and put up wet. Just exhausted from deep inside. Could have been the stress. Could have been the masssage. Who knows. I was worn out!

Until 8 p.m., when I took the dog for a walk. Or rather, a run! I couldn't believe it. Her I am. Chubby, out of shape, 48 year old lady. Running full-tilt down the street. I'm so glad it was dark outside. Anyway, we ran and walked and ran and walked, until both of us were spent. It felt sooooo good! I haven't run since I've lived here. Now, I can't wait to go again. But not tonight. No. Tonight I have to rest my poor calf muscles. 'Cause they're a hurtin'!

Well, I'm off to suffer my mental breakdown now.

April 14, 2003