I'd never been inside a big-box place before. But I got a wild hair about saving money, and I figured it might be a good idea to stock up on some of the foodstuffs we use all the time, plus deodorants, and shampoo - toothpase and feminine hygiene products. This way, if I run out of Dove soap, it won't be until sometime next year. I could be dead by then.

So, the kid and I checked out S@m's Club. Nice. Good selection of food and books and computer stuff. I liked the prices and whatnot. But I couldn't join until I looked into C0stco first. They are the most famous and I wouldn't want to join up with a second-rate big-box outfit, you know?

Sweet Jebus! What a nightmare!

First thing, the kid and I got separated in the crowd. I figured she'd show up eventually, so I shopped around the place, comparing it to S@m's... I began to twitch. The NOISE! The CROWDS! (And the prices weren't that good, either). I wanted to get the freak outta there, but I couldn't locate the kid. I stood in a large aisleway, hoping to catch a glance of her red head in the crowd, but I started to get panicky when I realized there were so many people, and the place was so big, it could have been HOURS before I saw her!

All at once, there she was. Down at the end of the aisle! I hollered her name. She didn't hear me. I hollered again as I pushed (or tried to push) past the assholes meandering down the aisle with the double-wide shopping carts. I got to the end of the aisle just as the kid disappeared into the masses once more... I looked around. People were everywhere, squirming like bugs. Babies were screaming. I wanted to scream!

Finally, the kid saw me and we ran toward each other, arms outstretched. At the very same time we exclaimed "Let's get the HELL out of here!"

We had to go home and lie down before we could return to S@m's, get a membership card and shop our brains out.

Did I mention that we have 52 individual bags of Welches Fruit Snax? Yep. We do.

May 09, 2004