Let's see... The words self-indulgent, narcissistic, clap-trap, poorly directed and mind-numbingly tedious immediately come to mind.

I only heard bits and pieces about this film, back a few years ago when it debuted a the Cannes Film Festival. I remember there was some controversy, Vince Gallo, the writer/director/star was revealed somehow to be a nut-job, or an a-hole or something - and we've never heard from Chloe Sevigne again... So, when it appeared on my cable's "On-Demand" menu, I could hardly wait to plunk down $3.95 in order to view it.

Geez. I wish I'd used that money to purchase crack instead.

Let's sum up, shall we?

Vince's character Bud Clay is a motorcycle racer who hauls his fancy Honda across country from New Hampshire to California. Whilst hauling, there are many, many, many, many scenes of the aforementioned country through Bud's van window. Did I mention many, many, many scenes? Which include bug splatters? Okay then.

Along the way, he meets up with a few women, all of whom have the same names as flowers... Violet, Rose, Lilly (played brilliantly by Cheryl Tiegs, who doesn't say a word throughout the scene). And that's a good thing, because someone should probably have mentioned to Mr. Gallo that the microphone would better serve its purpose, I don't know, somewhere near where the actors are speaking. I couldn't hear a freaking thing that was said during the entire film, and I had the volume on my TV turned up all the way.

Okay. So, finally we get to meet Chloe Sevigne's character, Daisy. She's the haunting love of Bud's life who suddenly appears in Bud's motel room, walks into the loo and lights up a crack pipe. I'm pretty sure Chloe must have had to smoke crack during production, because the next thing she does is give Vince Gallo (no. really.) a full-on blow job! Good heavens! I had to rub my eyes, because there on my television, a really talented, first-rate actress is on her knees, slarving the dode of one of the most disgusting looking characters on screen today. I mean,come on, we've all given blow-jobs for pay in one way or another, but did she have to do it right there on my television???? Was Vince Gallo so desperate for his penis to live on in infamy - he created a travelogue around it? It's been over an hour since I watched, and I still don't have my appetite back. GAAAAAAH!

I'm not going to give a way the ending, because I'm sure this review has resulted in extreme curiosity and a clamour to run out and rent this horrid waste of video tape. I wouldn't want to sully the experience for you.

My rating 1 - 5 cow-plops, five being best... Half a plop.

October 02, 2005

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