I have had lots and lots of animal friends in my life. When I was a little kid, my relationships were short-lived. Kittens that had mysteriously appeared in a box, on our porch – disappeared just as mysteriously in the night. Aquatic turtles crawled out of their plastic pond and ended up in the back yard, all dried up. I wonder if my toddler brother decided to take them out to play with, and forgot to bring them back inside.

I had a beagle-mix dog once that I named after Brigit Bardot. She used to eat all my shoes and my favorite stuffed animals. I loved her anyway. At some point, my mother decided it would be fun to raise Boston Terriers, so she gave my Brigit to the dog pound. She didn’t seem to care that my little heart was breaking as we left her in that big cage all alone. I wrote a letter to the dog-catcher, instructing him on exactly the kind of family I wanted to adopt my dog. He was nice. I hope it worked out for Brigit. The Boston Terrier we got in Bridgit’s place gave birth to two litters of puppies, both via caesarian section. She got adhesions from the surgeries and had to get a hysterectomy. Karma? My mom had her put to sleep when her tail became ingrown and she needed surgery. My mom… wow. My brother and I sometimes wonder how we made it to adulthood without being put to sleep ourselves!

One time, my high school boyfriend surprised me with a pair of parakeets, instead of the pre-engagement ring I was expecting. I hated those birds because of that. From time to time, I would leave the cover on their cage all day long.

I had a little green snake too. It got out of it’s terrarium once, and apparently lived off various bugs in our house, because we found it in the closet months later, feeling just fine!

Since I’ve been a mom, we’ve had plenty of creatures in our home. Mostly cats and small rodents.

I let my daughter bring home a baby rat once. I had always sworn I would never have an animal in my house that dragged its genitals along the ground – but, this was shortly after the separation, and I would have let my daughter bring home anything at that point. So, we got Moochie. He turned out to be the absolute best little buddy we ever had. I LOVED that rat. He was smart, lots of fun, and he had a sweet and mellow disposition. If he saw you eating, he would put on the greatest show to try and get you to share your food with him –hence his name. Poor Moochie developed some kind of fatal rat disease (as did his other litter mates) and we had to have him put down. I alternated between crying and singing to Moochie (he loved to be sung to) on our way to the vet’s office. He was the most wonderful little guy.

We have two cats now. Malcolm-X is our male cat. We’ve had Mal for 9 years now. He’s a gorgeous black kitty, with big green eyes. Malcolm loves me with a passion known only to a few. My former husband once stated that Mal used to worry him. Like he was plotting my ex’s demise so he could have me all to himself. Malcolm’s three favorite activities are eating, sleeping and kicking the crap out of our other cat, Goldie.

Goldie is also a black cat with green eyes. However, she most resembles a “jackalope”. Since she (like Malcolm) is a rescued cat, we have no idea who her parents were. But, she is some kinda combination! Her head is really, really small, and her body is really, really long. Her black fur is at once, long and short, in uneven patterns over her body. She’s a breeding experiment gone wrong… Plus she’s got some sort of autism. On the one hand, she loves to be petted and loved up. On the other hand, she hates to be touched. So, she plays this game of rubbing up against – not you - but the nearest piece of furniture. Then, when you start petting her, she walks away. Stops, rubs, and repeats the walking away after getting petted. You could chase her around the room!

We also have goldfish. My daughter has an aquarium full of feeder fish she rescued a couple of years ago. One of them only has one eye, but he gets around okay. I have a solo feeder goldfish by the name of Ping, who lives in my kitchen. He’s nearly five years old now. When we wash dishes, he thinks we’re there to visit him, and he wiggles and swishes all over his tank.

Some day, I plan to expand our current menagerie. I want to get some reptiles – maybe an iguana or one of those awesome chameleons – I just love the way their little claws hold on to a branch as they climb. Oh, and of course, my future COWS and Goats for making delicious gourmet cheese!


August 3, 2001

Buh Bye!
October 05, 2008

Be Afraid, People.... Really Afraid
September 01, 2008

One Last Bitchfest for the Road
August 24, 2008

Get the Popcorn Ready
July 17, 2008

I'm a Rich Ho-Bag
June 20, 2008

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