Where do I begin? First of all, I have two cats - Malcolm-X - an 11 year old male, and Goldie (short for Golda Maier) who is a 9 year old, autistic female.

Goldie is pretty effed up. She doesn't particularly like physical contact. She wants to be petted, but it freaks her out at the same time. She doesn't clean herself, and her fur is a complete mess. She does, however, know when it is exactly 6:22 a.m. That is when she hops up next to me, and wakes me up with little kitty kisses. This is only Monday thru Friday, mind you - and ONLY at 6:22 a.m......

Malcolm is usually referred to as the "smart" one. He can open doors with his paws. Lemme see. What did they do this morning?

First, I noticed there was a big black spider crawling down the bathroom wall - I brought Malcolm in, so he could kill the thing. He didn't notice it. I put his face right up next to the spider. He ignored it... So, as I walked out of the bathroom in disgust, I mentioned to Goldie - in passing - that there was a "bug" in the bathroom, and she should "go get the bug". She did it!

Later, Malcolm was crying at the sliding glass door, to be let out on to the balcony. By the way, it was a most beautiful spring morning - blue sky, no clouds, San Bernardino Mountains in the distance - and that scent - you know the one that you get in the mornings when you're camping??? Mmmmmmm

But, I digress. Malcolm went out on the balcony, and then came back in crying and carrying on. He led me outside. Down in the gully next to our apartment was a loud, cawwwing crow. He was walking around, making all kinds of noise. See, Malcolm is afraid of crows since the night I made him watch the Discovery Channel's program about birds - and they showed close-ups of these huge crows appearing to fly right out of the television screen. My poor cat kept running up to the screen and putting his paws on it - and he'd walk across the living room floor, and kind of duck when he passed the television... So, of course, he freaked out when he saw an actual crow before his eyes!

My cats are trippy!

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While I was standing out on the balcony watching the crow, I saw a gopher, who kept sticking his head out of a newly-dug gopher hole. It was the third one in a row, next to the fence by the gully. What a dumbass gopher. He was at least 300 yards from the community garden where all the food is!

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One of my sponsee's called me last night to report on her massage. I referred her to my man, George. She said she didn't want to have a male massage therapist because it would be too uncomfortable or weird. I assured her that George was completely gay.

Well, her voicemail message said something like "Oh, by the way... George is so NOT GAY - Oh. My. God" I have yet to hear the details of her session. However, that could explain why at certain intervals during my massage, it seemed that George might have been enjoying himself as much as I was.........

"Life Not Worth Living If You Not Take Risk" Brian QAF

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