When I was a young girl, I pictured my future. I imagined myself all grown up, and what a perfect life for me would be. I never pictured a husband in it... Weird, huh? I mean, I used to imagine getting married - having a beautiful wedding, and being kissed by my handsome new groom - but, for some reason, he never ended up at the back end of the story.

I always knew I would be a mother. I only factored in one child. For the life of me, to this day I don't know how a parent loves more than one kid at a time (though I know it is possible because so many do).

At any rate, apparently I'm living the dream now. I am the mother of one child, and I did have a beautiful wedding with a handsome groom. And, I am contented with my lot in life. I adore my apartment and surroundings - I have fun at work (when I'm not working, that is). My kidlet - well, you know the story on her.

While I think it would be marvelous to be in love with a man - I don't feel any sort of emptiness because I'm not. I usually choose deeply disturbed partners anyway. Maybe what I'm really feeling about this is an absence of pain...

The way I feel today, I would be just as happy to spend my time working on good causes, and joining groups. I would enjoy taking photographs of birds, just as much as getting laid (especially since I'm getting to the age where the only men who will be wanting to do me, will be really old guys - and, ewwwww?).

Try as I might, I can't feel bad about how my life is turning out. However, I get a nagging feeling that I should be unhappy, empty and depressed because I have no man. I think that must be old programming. Old tapes playing in my head from so many years ago - and so many of my girlfriends who feel devistated without a partner. Are we defined by who we are with? Am I not a valid person without my "better half"? Should I be gnashing my teeth, or desparately joining computer dating services? Am I a loser? Gee. When I write it down like that, it just seems stupid to doubt myself...

Yeah. It IS all good.

"Life Not Worth Living If You Not Take Risk" Brian QAF

July 30, 2002

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