Wednesday night, I experienced some things that were so horrific - so disgusting - I simply must write about them for posterity.

First, I attended my niece's high school graduation. Afterwhich, a lot of her family, plus the kid and I, met at a Brazilian barbeque restaurant. Now, if we were all trekking through the Amazon, starving and covered in tse-tse flies, we'd be very happy to come upon this particular restaurant. The place was a total DIVE! I swear, we walked in, and the kid said "Mom, this place smells like a TOILET!" Sure enough, it did... We took one look at the "salad bar" and nearly turned heel and walked out. But my niece and her father, my brother - carry on about the place like it was the Four Seasons, so we stayed. The gist of the place is you pay them $20 and they keep bringing the meat until you tell them you are finished. I only had chicken, but i watched as piles and piles of beef and lamb and sausage were dolled out to my fellow diners. I'll bet some of that flesh is still holed up in their colons! I simply prayed that we wouldn't get some sort of food-borne toxoplasmosis!

Speaking of praying - we were seated at the end of the table with my ex-sister-in-law's right-wing religious fanatic friend and her closeted-gay, homophobic asshole husband. Before we could eat, they insisted we all join hands so the husband could spout off about 10 minutes worth of prayers... Of course, I didn't make a scene. I held hands and watched as my brother and his friend at the other end of the table crossed their fingers. I sat through the overbearing "look at ME, I'm a CHRISTIAN" show (Don't these people EVER read their Bible? It states quite plainly that they are supposed to freakin' pray in PRIVATE, and not stand on the corner acting like an ass!) Whatever.

Not ten minutes after the Jesus invoking, this good Christian man, makes fun of our adorable - and unmistakably gay - waiter. Sergio. He made fun of the waiter's gaity, and his dutiful Christian wife laughed like it was the funniest thing she'd ever heard. Not ten minutes after reminding everyone within earshot that they were LOVING CHRISTIANS! Well, she and he both looked over at me, like I was supposed to join in the fun-making and laughing. I've been cursed with a lot of my scary, rageaholic father's tendancies and bad habits. I've been blessed with his ability to give off a steely blue-eyed look that can make a grown man want to pee his pants... I sliced through the air with my look of death. I saw the man gulp for air... If I'd punched him, it wouldn't have been sweeter.

Okay. So we're eating and whatnot, and my niece, who is sitting next to me mentions that she's 18 now and can vote - for Kerry. The good Christian wife is shocked at this revelation. She asks the niece why she's not voting for Bush. My niece says she thinks Bush is a very bad president. I swear, this part still makes my skin crawl... This woman, whispers "Oh, he is gooooood." *eyes heavenward* "He is soooooo gooooooooooood."

My head began to swim.

My kid caught a glimpse of my profile as I started leaning across the table to get in these idiots faces (still pissed about my waiter). She grabbed me about the shoulders, pulled me back, and at the same time hollered "Waiter? Can we get the check, we're leaving." And we left.

Good gosh! We nearly had a Brazilian bloodbath!

June 18, 2004