I don't understand myself anymore. I used to know me, but now I'm a stranger...

Maybe I've come down with clinical depression. That would explain a lot of this "not caring" I'm all about nowadays.

I'm finding it nearly impossible to get it up for a cause of any kind. Even those who were once dear to my heart. I'm tired of failing. I'm tired of the good guys always getting the shaft. I'm tired of shovelling shit against the tide.

So, I've turned inward. But there's nothing inward that floats my boat either. My life is all about dreck these days. Old people and housework and NASCAR. Well, NASCAR is fun, but NASCAR is so completely NOT me. That's what's scary. I've begun watching "American Idol"! Six months ago, I would have laughed my ass off at the thought of such a completely ridiculous idea. What is happening to my mind? My soul?

I've scanned some of my better photos onto my screensaver at work. I look at them, and think - You know, I should do more photography. I've got a darned good eye for it. But I don't have the inner fortitude to even check my camera's battery.

And all day long, there is this internal berating myself for past financial decisions. "Oh sure, I have to purchase a used vehicle, because I'm up to my eyeballs in credit card debt and have no lee-way in my budget for an expensive car. If I hadn't screwed myself financially, I could be driving a Mercedes Benz right now... Why should I go look at furniture - which used to spur me on to clean and re-arrange my own furniture - when I'll never be any better off than I am now..." Even though, I have been a single parent, supporting a nutty kid - without any frills, and basically have been forced over the years to plunge us into financial debt-itude, just to get by - I can't forgive myself for it now. - AND - my monthly credit card debt - steep as it is - only adds up to a couple of hundred dollars or so - nothing horrific. Yet I continue to dwell on it. My financial failure...

I certainly hope I work through whatever this is. Or the kid will be splitting her Wellbutrin with me pretty soon.

February 27, 2005

Buh Bye!
October 05, 2008

Be Afraid, People.... Really Afraid
September 01, 2008

One Last Bitchfest for the Road
August 24, 2008

Get the Popcorn Ready
July 17, 2008

I'm a Rich Ho-Bag
June 20, 2008

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