Last night, I shared at my meeting about my recent lapse in good financial behavior, and the reaction I have been having to it - ie stomach in knots, irritability, short-temperedness - an impending sense of doom, etc. I shared that I didn't have any idea what kind of shape my checking account was in, and in a couple of days the rent is due. I also shared that it would be very easy to go on line and dial up my bank, and find out the answers in a matter of a few seconds - however, I had up to that point, opted not to know. I had no idea why I had been behaving like such in idiot. This is old, old behavior for me. When I was in my early 20's, I had a phobia about the milbox. You see, there were bills inside that mailbox. Bills that scared me. I avoided the mailbox until I got a notice that they couldn't put any more mail into it...

Anyway, some little old lady suggested that after the meeting, I go home, and go on line with my bank. She said that after I got my figures, I shoudl simply call her, and let her know what my financial situation was. Now, normally, I would have just shined her on. I'm always the one with the suggestions and answers for everyone else. I have to look good, no matter what. But, for some reason, I came home and did exactly what she had suggested. I went on line - checkbook and pencil in hand - I looked, I added, subtracted, double checked my work. It was okay. I had enough for the rent, the checks I had recently written, the bills that are upcoming before my next paycheck - We will survive another day!

Then, I did the weirdest thing - I called the little old lady. I told her I was financially sound, and thanked her for suggesting everything. That may not sound like a big deal to some - however, to an individual as driven by ego as me, it was a very big step - a very humbling step - toward being part of this program I love - yet have felt on the fringes of for the past 10 years.

Also, I was able to look at how all this brings up my fears of losing what I have. Because my last apartment was ripped out of my grasp so suddenly - let me tell you - it's was traumatic as hell not to have a place to live! Maybe, subconsciously, I had been thinking that by being fiscally responsible, I was causing us to be able to keep our nice apartment. And, when I learned suddenly, that there was nothing I could have done to prevent the owner from screwing us - I got really scared. Like, if I'm not in control of everything, then everything will surely spin out of control, and everything will come apart...... Wow. That IS old behavior and old thinking for me. That was my M.O. for EVERYTHING!

I guess I have to get back to some basics. Things like God's in charge. Keeping things simple. Talking about stuff. Yeah, I know the drill.

I know that rambled - but, hey - it's not always poetry up in my head!!!


August 30, 2001

Buh Bye!
October 05, 2008

Be Afraid, People.... Really Afraid
September 01, 2008

One Last Bitchfest for the Road
August 24, 2008

Get the Popcorn Ready
July 17, 2008

I'm a Rich Ho-Bag
June 20, 2008

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