I'm very glad that I happened to click on Dharmaqueen's diary tonight. She has a lovely sentiment about fear, and fear is something I have had to play with today. Stupid fear, really. I wrote the first chapter of my NaNoWriMo novel today. First off, I'm a few thousand words behind where I should be by now. I don't care. I'm having such fun writing the stupid thing, I'm not going to get too carried away with word counts and such. The thing that scared me, was, I had based my main character on a composit of the guys I hang with on what used to be the Showtime "Queer As Folk" message board (we moved to a better site, and left the old board as a virtual ghost town). At any rate, I told the guys what I had done in their names, and I gave them the link to the novel in progress...

You know, I really shouldn't be fearful of them - or anyone, reading the thing. I mean, I write stuff in my diary that I probably wouldn't tell anyone in real life - and you read it. And I only know these guys via the written word. I've never seen one face to face. It's just that what I write here, and what I write to them is my commentary on real life stuff. The novel is my "creation". As if I painted a them picture, or made them an ashtray out of clay or something - and what if they hate it, or it sucks... (Plus, you know, they're all really good writers of hot man-on-man sexcapades. I know. I've read it).

I'm rambling, but this brings back a lot of memories and uncomfortable feelings for me. I keep recallling my second year in college, when I developed this panic disorder thing. I was a music major. I sang. My whole life, I sang, and I was always accepted into any vocal group for which I tried out. Never a question. I loved to perform! Then, all of a sudden, in the middle of my second year in college - I started to panic. I started to believe that I couldn't sing. I started to dread going on stage, or even rehearsing with the group. We went on tour during the summer, and I never sang a note the entire time. I just moved my lips!!! From that time until very recently, I would not sing for anyone. Now, thanks to Beta Blockers, I drive my neighbors crazy, screeching along to my CD's, while I wash dishes, or clean the apartment. Knowing those guys are going to see my stupid "novel" (and it's bound to be stupid. I'm not a novelist, and even if I was - it's supposed to be finished in a month), well, it brought back a whole lot of anxious memories and feelings.

Like Dharmaqueen asks. What would you do if you weren't afraid?

I'll bet I would do a lot of things...

November 02, 2002

Buh Bye!
October 05, 2008

Be Afraid, People.... Really Afraid
September 01, 2008

One Last Bitchfest for the Road
August 24, 2008

Get the Popcorn Ready
July 17, 2008

I'm a Rich Ho-Bag
June 20, 2008

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